Suicide

If you are a transgender person, there is a 70% chance that you will consider killing yourself.

If you are a transgender person, there is a 50% chance that you will attempt it.

If you are a transgender person, there is a 30% chance you'll succeed.

When I first read these numbers, I didn't believe it.  I still have a hard time believing it.  The thought that one in three of the young trans* people I've met will kill themselves makes me want to vomit.  I always hope that the people I've met won't-they've had support, people who understand their experience.  But I don't really believe it.  

I've been fortunate enough that I have never been close to anyone who's actually done the deed.  I've met one or two in passing-at the time it's always seemed like just another random encounter.  Whenever I learn that I've met one of these people, I can't help but mourn them-I mean really mourn them.  I don't grieve for them because of loss-what destroys me is the idea of them-the idea that it can really happen to any of us, and just how fragile life can be for people like us.  Then, I become angry.  I'm angry at the world around them, the culture of bullying, discrimination, violence, and mental anguish that makes being transgender much, much harder.  

But most of all, I feel angry at them.

These people weren't murdered.  They weren't the victims of some terrible accident.  These people chose to end their own lives.  The problem of suicide in the transgender can't really be a cultural one-culture didn't kill these people.  So what can be done?

Suicide prevention hotlines and awareness rallies are good intentioned, but they will never be successful in the way they want to be.  Not all suicides are the same.  Some are acts of passion-rage, despair take over and people just can't...stop themselves.  Many fail.  A few succeed.  They can be helped by these things-for them, it's a rough road, but theres a chance for them to bounce back.

Sometimes, it can't be helped.  Sometimes, it's not a coward's act, it's not an act of passion.  It's a calm, disciplined thing.  It's an inevitability, a certainty.  In callous terms, these are the people who use guns.  Once someone reaches a crisis, has set this plan in place-I don't believe they can survive, not once they reach that point.

I'm not bothered by the people who stare at me-I can tolerate looking at their faces.  What people like me can't bear is looking down, or into a mirror-the root of our problems is not the way others treat us, it's the way we see ourselves.  There is a certain amount of innate self loathing that every trans person experiences-the knowledge that you might never be seen as yourself.  We don't want people to make us feel welcome or to offer us support.  Most of us don't want to be transgender people, we want to be normal.  We want this part of ourselves to disappear, to be able to go in public and know that nobody will ever find out unless you see fit to tell them.  Discrimination and unemployment are transient things, but this is not: I know when I pass and when I don't, and when I don't, there is a sudden surge of disgust and dissatisfaction.

What can be done?  To begin with, people like me should have access to medical resources.  Most people can't just pay for surgery; I've been trying to come up with it for ages now.  The opportunity to be seen as just another person, and to see yourself as what your brain keeps saying you ought to see is often the only relief.  If we can start younger, things would be easier.  I don't mean at five or three, but before puberty destroys any chance we have of being "normal".  The chance to just fit in is one that can save lives.  There need to be resources to facilitate transition-to facilitate it so that we can just go on with our our lives without having to pay any attention to our genders.  This isn't about making people feel better, it's about saving lives.

Why do people hate us?

I know, I know-this sounds like it's going to be a pity-party all around.  A ten paragraph rant about how much being me sucks.  It's not though.  I'm doing the best I can to approach this from a serious and intellectual stance.  So why do people hate us?  Why do I of all people find the some transgender people off-putting against my better judgement?  Why is our society so violently opposed to what it is that we are?

Allow me to propose that perhaps it is perfectly natural for us to view transgenderism as "unnatural".  This sounds like the creed of the far right, but it's not.  I'm not saying that this is right, only that it is correct.  Darwin teaches us that due to the incredibly slow and deliberate process of natural selection, there is virtually no case of a genetic trait that is not beneficial (or at least not harmful) proliferating.  As a very vague rule, if something is not beneficial to the species, over the course of hundreds of thousands of years it will no longer exist.  While evolution is not intelligent, it does seem almost smart enough to make up for it's snails pace.

Now, let me propose something else: that patriarchy falls under this umbrella of traits that are hypothetically beneficial to the survival of our species.  Human women are generally not as strong as human men.  This isn't really that noticeable a difference in our world today; Worth in today's world is not measured by physical prowess, but by mental ability.  However, before a few hundred thousand years ago, physical strength was undoubtedly a very important asset as we had not yet developed the means to compensate for a lack in it.  In the world of the early homo-sapain, the female was not as able as the man.  It was in her best interest and that of her species to stay away from harm and have children.  Our minds and our roles in the world have evolved a great deal since then, but I believe it is no mistake that almost every human civilization has been male dominated-perhaps we are predisposed to be sexist because it was, for a long time, beneficial.

When I say sexism is natural, I don't mean that it's right or good of course.  Murder, rape, incest, brutality, inequality, sickness and primal impulsive actions are all "perfectly natural", but of course they are not something we want anything to do with.  Sexism used to be perfectly justified in the prehistoric past, and we're just trying to make up for our natures so that hopefully, the empowerment and happiness of the individual can take precedent over the archaic and anachronistic instincts that have kept us in a stone-age mentality.

Because of all this, gender plays a huge role in the way we treat one another.  And violation of this innate code seems unnatural to us.  In my research, there have only been two reactions to a violation of the gender binary thorough pre-contemporary history: "This is unnatural, we must kill it" (more common, I'm afraid) and "This is unnatural, it must be a gift from god" (The two-spirts, the Hijra caste in better times, the palace eunuchs...).  Obviously, it's nothing that interesting; probably just a flux in en-vitro hormone levels.  We're put off by transgender people who blatantly combine strong male and strong female traits.  My theory is that we aren't put off by a woman with a short haircut in a well pressed suit because there is subtlety involved-but a number of people would find a nude picture of Buck Angel quite off-putting.  On the other end of the spectrum, it's Andrej Pejek vs Money Python drag acts: subtlety versus blatant clashing.

We find it unnatural.  I hate myself for saying it, but it's true.  Most people find the idea of transgenderism to be unnatural.  Unnatural is not the same thing as wrong, but that's not the point.  We've always treated anything we couldn't explain with hostility-it's just compensation.  I think that we might just be pre-disposed on a biological level to be put off by people like myself.  Does that mean hate is justified?  Of course not.  But I am almost sure that "our" reaction to people like myself is innate-just a though.

So what do we do?  What do we do to get past the years of social conditioning and innate revulsion if you have a problem?

You get the fuck over it, because it's not your god damn business!  I'm happy enough being the person I am, and I would appreciate it if people would stop caring for once!  I'm happy, you can go over there and be happy, and we can both get on with our lives.

A Victory (with afterthoughts)

I am writing this upon hearing the fantastic news that Coy Mathis, a eight year old transgender child from Colorado has just won the right to use the girl's bathroom at her school.  I am incredibly happy  for her-she has done something truly wonderful, even though she might not realize it for years to come.  As happy as I am for Coy Mathis, I have also found myself exposed to some of the nastiest things the internet has to offer.  I don't know why I read comment sections of these articles because I know they will only make me angry, but alas, I do...I thought I would offer my take on what is being said.

Coy Mathis is a girl.  She looks like a girl, she feels like a girl, and she knows she is a girl.

Coy Mathis is also transgender-But my question is this: Does she really know what it means to be transgender?  Her parents have been totally accepting of her identity, and her brother and most of her friends have as well, but this situation at her school is proof that most of the world will not be so warm towards who she is.  Coy was only six years old when she began her transition, and I have no doubt that she was, is, and probably will continue to see this as the right thing to do.  I have no doubt in my mind that she knows she is a girl.  I believe that she has every right to be herself.  Two things about her situation do bring out some reservations on my part though.  Firstly, while she probably not going to outgrow this, it is quite possible that she might.  People change a lot over the years.  This is not enough however for anyone to deny her a gender transition.  It's the second reason that bothers me more.

When I first began to take hormones, I had to undergo something called "informed consent".  My doctor spent about an hour going over the potential consequences, complications, and other related issues with what I was about to do.  Coy was not informed of the potential consequences, complications, and other related issues of what she has undergone.  She has no idea that statistically speaking, there is a one in twelve chance that she will be killed in cold blood.  She doesn't know about the stigma on people like us.  Does this mean she should not be able to transition?  Of course not.  But do I believe that she should be aware of all of these things before her transition is facilitated?  I do.

There are some children who are born to be dancers.  I'm not talking about your sis at her ballet class-I mean children who truly have a gift.  They are graceful, strong-and from a young age, they train.  They train under the guidance of their parents and teachers, and that training becomes their life because they have a gift-and because most often these children love to dance.  They train and train and train-they go to conservatories, and eventually, some of them become great.  Some of them are able to transcend the limits of their art.  They are masters of movement, and their mastery is celebrated for the world to see.  Most of them are not.  Most of them find themselves with a lifetime's worth of mastery in their art, and nowhere to use it.  The only thing they are qualified to do is dance, and most of them will never earn a living wage doing it.  I am bringing this up because I believe it is wrong for a parent to sign their child over to ballet before cultivating other skills, other interests, other futures.  If you sign your child away to this future at six, then she will never imagine a different direction for her life, perhaps until it is to late.  What if you made your child wait?  What if you continued to allow them to dance, but made sure they did well in school?  Rather than telling they would be a dancer, telling them that they could be whatever they wanted?  And then, once they are sure, after years have passed, and they understand the odds against them, then they take that leap of faith.

I don't mean to say that Coy Mathis should have to endure years of agony.  She should have been allowed to wear the clothes, and play with the toys she wished.  But I do not think her family should have facilitated her transition until they were sure that she knew what she was doing-Coy could have waited until she was ten, until she was twelve, until she was an age when she could understand what hate was.

All of this being said, I'm happy for Coy.  She seems happy herself, and that's enough for me.

The real issue I have is with her parents.  It might have been a bit optimistic for her family to facilitate her transition they way they did, but nothing bad has come of that, so I am happy for her.  What they did that was not OK was publicly identifying their daughter.  Coy Mathis will carry this legacy on her back for the rest of her life.  To me, and hopefully to whomever reads this, that legacy is a great thing-but for some, it is not.  In twenty years, when Coy is applying for a job, all her prospective employer would need to do is type her name into google, and all of a sudden, her entire history would be laid bare.  Some people won't care.  Some will.  Coy will never be able to avoid disclosing this aspect of her life-it is set in stone, as a part of her permanent digital footprint.  I think that the fact her parents were so carefree and nonchalant about not only naming but providing pictures of their daughter is irresponsible, and could potentially endanger her, and prevent her from having the opportunities she deserves.  The world knows that Coy Mathis was born a boy.  She has been outed in a way that is permanent and irreversible.

I have my reservations.  Anyone reading this will have theirs-but the fact remains that this represents one of the strongest legal precedents for the transgender movement in history.  There is now a court decision which says (paraphrased, of course) "Transgender children may use the same bathroom as every other boy or girl without worrying about something everyone else barely notices".  This is a great moment for us.  Coming on it's heels will be the largest step forward or backward for lesbian, gay, and transgender couples in history, and I hope that the Supreme Court makes the decision to do the right thing, and to end up on the right side of history.  For now though, Coy Mathis and her family have managed to change the landscape for me and people like me everywhere.  And I think we can all agree that's a good thing.

To anyone reading-

I am happy to announce that I have begun working on a very exiting project.  Titled "Mia", it centers on a family and how they are affected when they find out that their eldest child is transgender.  If you are transgender and reading this, I would be honored if you would consider sharing your story.  This is a fictitious story that will be woven from many different real ones-This is a chance for your story to be told, the events of our experiences to be woven into a single tapestry-if you are willing to be a part of this project, please let me know-leave a comment saying you are interested so I can figure things out.  Our, just email me a lisa.kolodkin@purchase.edu.  If even one of you would be willing to share your experiences, you could make a real difference for me and many others...

Priorities

In March of 2013 Lucy Meadows, a british schoolteacher, was found dead in her apartment.  There were no suspicious circumstances surrounding her death; the inquest ruled a suicide.  As I'm sure many of you know, Lucy Meadows was a transgender woman.  In 2012, she transitioned from male to female and returned to school that fall.  Thing initially went well, but that december, the grandfather of a student complained that someone like Lucy should not be allowed to teach.  I have no idea whether or not she was a good teacher (they are hard to come by), but regardless, she found herself on trial for being transgender.  I think it's absolutely outrageous that she was being judged for this, while back in the states a teacher can literally have sex with a student and still get full pay for years before anything actually happens, but I digress.  Things went from nasty to terrible when a british tabloid, the Daily Mail took up her story and Richard Littlejohn wrote and published an article on her-it was rude, crude, and very offensive.  When she committed suicide, the only blatant culprit was this publicity-this unwarranted personal attack left her with nowhere to turn.  But despite how horrible the attack on her was, I cannot in good conscience accuse Richard Littlejohn of her murder, because he did not kill her.  Lucy Meadows killed Lucy Meadows.

I think the accusation that this article caused her suicide is an insult to transgender people everywhere.  As much as I would like to say that saying something bad about someone in a tabloid is a hate crime, I can't because it isn't.  The price we pay for living in a country that allows people like me to speak our minds is the right for people we disagree with to do the same.  And the only way that someone can be protected from this sort of attack is to endure it-within the LGBT and Feminist communities, I have seen an alarming growth in movements that seek to suppress speech and expression that is, well, offensive.  I do not think that the Daily Mail was in the right, I think that they are idiots-but they are not murderers, and they are not even biggots.  Their crime was stupidity, and the only person I can blame for that suicide was the victim.

Bigotry is very, very real.  People like myself are killed every day, and I can honestly say that late at night, I sometimes hold my hand inside the pocket of my bag where I keep my multitool.  My blog became a playground for a few days for a band of rad-fems who would be very happy to see me and everyone like me gone.  These are people who hate us, simply and absolutely.  Some of them will come to their senses; most of them will not.  And yet I think there is a certain grudging acceptance that we have for people like this-I feel sometimes like we have given up on those that mean us ill, and now are just trying to compensate by going after people for making stupid mistakes-calling the misgendering of a transgender person a "hate crime" for example.  I have been involved in a hate crime once, and I can tell you reader, that misgendering someone is not a hate crime any more than insulting them is a murder.

These people are not biggots; they are idiots.  They do not need to be attacked, they do not need to be scolded, most often they do not even need to be bothered.  The best thing to do in these cases is to nicely tell them that what they said was offensive, and hope for the best.  Despite this, we as activists bite back as hard as we can, and as a result we make enemies instead of educating.  Sometimes, the best way to induce change is to know when to leave something be-nobody likes being called out and frankly it usually just makes us look like the ones in the wrong.

I am not defending bigotry-I hate hatred as much as everyone else (should) but it is unfair of us to pin suicides on careless journalists, accuse people who use the word "he" of hate crimes.  This is a call for moderation, for us to direct our efforts.  We should not waste our time on mistakes, obituaries with the wrong names-we should spend our time trying to resolve the fact that there is a one in twelve chance that some day, perhaps some day soon, I am going to be cut down where I am standing because I had the gall to live my life the way I chose.  So please, spend all of the time you want calling out people who use the word "transgendered" or accusing the world for an act that was committed by the victim, and could have been prevented had the VICTIM been given help, and not the "cause neutralized".  But there is a one on twelve chance that my luck or the luck of you or someone you care about will run out.     And why we as activists do not spend our time trying to solve this rather than the trivial is far beyond me.

Asparations

I have been told my entire life that I am a dreamer.  This is not entirely true.  “Dreamer” implies that I prefer to think about my ambitions rather then seize them.  My life has been fraught with setbacks–financial, health, and gender related–but I have always managed to bounce back.  When I first told my family about how I would not let my transition effect my career, my mother replied “but that is so male of you”.  She was obviously being crass with me, as she herself is a lawyer, school board member, magazine editor, and the worst cook I have ever met.  Her joke aside, I think she inadvertently pointed out something that runs very deep among transgender people: More often than not we (and I use we to refer to transgender people in general and not myself specifically) find ourselves enslaved by our own stereotypes. 

When someone who was raised male dreams of being a woman, a specific image often comes to mind; most transsexual women I have met have said as much, and for a long time I was just as guilty. This would not be a problem except our world is still one defined by gender stereotypes.  The vision of the 1950s Americana housewife is no longer the norm for women today, but that image still sticks to our culture like an overused piece of chewing gum.  And for that reason, any initial image of femininity that a transgender person envisions will invariably be a stereotype.  I decided that I would just not transition if I was be doomed to become a housewife or a teacher, but I digress.  The point I am trying to make is that transgender people tend to act and present in a way that is more feminine or masculine then they feel personally compelled to. 

Part of it is overcompensation, and this is most obvious in our choices of clothing.  While most people would never wear plaid flannel or pink floral dresses on a daily basis, It’s gotten to the point where I can oftentimes spot a trans* person based on their choice of clothing alone.  This is not a real problem, but that people will do the same thing with their personalities is.  Many trans* woman are passive and quiet, sometimes totally enveloped in their transition.  Some of them have an air of resignation about them, as if they have accepted the fact that they are second-class citizens and always will be.  Transgender people should never settle for less because of their gender, and should never have to change their personality because of what society tells them a woman or man is.  And also, no more pink floral dresses.  This isn’t just for transgender people, but for everyone.  Just don’t.

The message “be who you are” resonates loudly throughout the LGBT community, especially among trans* circles.  But what about after you start being who you are?  It always drives me crazy when people never think about what comes after their transition.  For many, the only dream they will ever have is that dream of becoming the man or woman or what-have.  I adamantly believe that anyone, no matter what or who they are can only do their best when they aim for something greater.  Transgender people are no exception.  We should not aspire to be men and women.  We should aspire to be great men and great women.  And so should the rest of the world. 

How it feels

As a transgender person, I am asked many questions-"how long have you known", "are you having surgery", "are you getting your thing cut off"; the list goes on.  While they were never the most insightful questions, I could always find a way to answer them.  Many transgender people are very secretive about these things, but I've always thought that I had a duty to answer these questions, firstly because it would be rude not to, and also because I know that if nobody can answer them, then we will be condemned to repeat our past.  There has been only which I've never really been able to answer: "What does it really feel like to be transgender".  The answer is hard to explain.

I have always been ashamed of the fact that I never wanted to transition.  I don't regret the decision, far from it, but if I was given a choice between a pill that could have made all of this go away, and the trials I have endured, I would choose the pill in a heartbeat.  It's not that I am ashamed about who and what I am.  It's just that being transgender is not easy.  Every moment, I need to make a conscious effort to walk and speak a certain way.  I can only wear specific outfits, ones that fit a certain way.  Most people look a bit frazzled if they don't bother to do their hair.  I risk open hostility every day if I don't.

I've had to reassess my entire life's plan.  Before all of this came into the picture, I was going to become a chef.  I had contacted some of the finest schools in the country, I was working and learning every day.  All of that was for nothing, because until the world changes, there will be very few industries where someone like me can reach that highest tier.  There is a glass ceiling for women and for racial minorities, but for me, things are in a new class of impossibility.  Most people do not actively hate women and racial minorities (at least not openly), but it is considered perfectly OK to hate people like myself.  Even if I moved to a state where I would be protected by law, I could never reach the place where I wanted to be.  While I have found a place for myself in the world in a field that will allow me to do as well as anyone else, I've had to change the entire direction of everything.  Being transgender is very expensive-while I do not want surgery that much myself, it is not really my choice.  If I am to be allowed a place in society, or have any sort of long-term conventional relationship, I must have it.  I am a slave to the ideals of the people around me.

I am not saying this to complain.  I have complained enough for a lifetime, and nothing good ever comes of it.  I am saying all of this because in order for you to understand how it feels to be transgender, you need to understand just how much we end up sacrificing.  And you need to understand that to my rational mind, my better judgement, transition could never be worth the cost.  Being transgender is not a desire to be something other than what you are.  It is not a choice that makes us somehow alleviate our feelings of gender dysphoria.  It is never a choice-no sane person could ever make this choice.  There is no logic to the hell that I have went through, and the hell that I am still going through when people decide that I am no longer worthy or humanity.  I do not feel or think that I am transgender.  I do not feel or think that this is the right thing to do with my life. Until I began my transition, every day I lived with the innate and instinctual knowledge that my gender was wrong, alien.  My life is still fraught with conflict as a result-I can look in a mirror and be perfectly satisfied with the face I see.  And despite the fact that the face I see looks good, I feel sick to my stomach, because no matter how much I resent this, that face and body can not belong to me.  I feel as if the person I see is just standing in front of me, and if that person stepped aside, I would finally be able to see my own reflection.

There are steps that people like myself can take to change these things, in my case with some success.  I think it is very telling that I tend to dress in a relatively masculine way.  I enjoy dressing in an androgynous way, I am drawn it to because of what it is that I want.  But I do not identify as androgynous.  I cannot decide not to min if people think that I am male.  I may love embracing androgyny, but that is my choice of fashion.  No matter how much I dress the way I love, act the way I love, I cannot escape that fact that if I am not seen as a female doing these things, I am petrified, frozen, and disgusted.  There can never be an escape from the things that we know to be true, and someone like me can only try to make them true.

I wish I could say that nothing good has come of all of this, because than I might be able to truly accept that this is what my life must be and resign myself and try to forget.  I wish I could say that, but it would not be true.  These agonizing steps that compose a transition do offer me and people like me the chance to escape the prison in our minds.  People have told me that it insults trans* people to call gender dysphoria a disorder.  Perhaps it does on a certain level, but I cannot say that it is not true.  Nothing but a disorder could mandate such subversive steps to relieve it.  I hate being transgender in many ways.  I still feel as put off, or even disgusted as most people do when they see a naked pre-op.  I do not find it fun, I do not find it enjoyable, though I do find all of this in my gender expression.  I sometimes decide to stay home because I do not want to make anyone around me feel uncomfortable, which I have no doubt will happen if I am not able to properly execute my flawless facade.

In the end though, I cannot change this any more than a person with a shattered spine can choose to walk again.  For better or worse, this is a part of my life that just is.  Even in the face of ridicule and under the threat of violence, I cannot accept "no" for an answer when I am pushed aside.   So I pick myself up, and do the things that I need to do.  No matter what happiness I find, there will always be this single shard of glass in my side unless I can remove it.  In the end, if I am able to make myself that person I know I am, even for a single instant, I can find peace.