Genderqueer identities and how to explain them to your straight friends

The face of the transgender community has remained about the same ever since it's genesis.  Mr. Jones takes a week long trip and comes back Ms. Jones...or, the broad shouldered, dark skinned and deep voiced ten buck prostitute on the side of the road if you are especially unlucky.  For that reason, when I was first exploring a trans* identity, I felt very constrained, because the definition of "transgender" seemed to mandate that I either have a sex change operation and return as a typical housewife in a pink floral dress or become a prostitute (the latter being slightly preferable, but my fear of a slow AIDS related death and dislike of dirty bedsheets really spoiled the deal).  The public view of transgender people does not allow same-gender attraction, a more masculine or androgynous way of expressing that identity, and the idea of a transgender professional seemed like a peyote induced hallucination.  For that reason, I had to look outside this limited view.

Most transgender people at some point in their life looking at an image of their ideal self, the person they most want to appear to be.  Most cis people do it too, though I don't think it holds the same significance.  For most transgender people, it's a model, or a wife, a local beauty.  I have not met any trans-women (myself aside) who had anything else in mind.  For me, things were different.  I was never  drawn to ultra-feminity.  I have worn a dress only once in my life, and I plan on keeping it that way.  Ever since my mid teens, I became obsessed with music from the 1980s and late 1970s-sleek, strong, and bold.  Performers like Annie Lennox (of the Eurythmics), Pat Benatar, David Bowie, Boy George, and Prince.  These people challenged gender norms, not because of some internal identity, but because they wanted to and because they could.  Even Madonna tried her hand at androgyny in the early nineties-it was her best look by far.

These performers fascinated me because they could challenge the gender binary and become something nether male or female, but none the less beautiful.  And that's when I first heard the word genderqueer. 

I knew that I identified as female, there was no doubt in my mind of that-it was not my identity but my ideal expression of gender that mandated I find something else that could let me defy the gender binary, but still from a female perspective.  I think I first heard of "genderqueer" while reading a pamphlet, or perhaps a footnote in a book.  This was an identity that was neither male nor female.  Society does not define a genderqueer identity.  A genderqueer person is able to choose what they want to be.  It offers almost total freedom to defy the gender binary and to create something uniquely yours.  I was hesitant initially for several reasons, which is why I (at first) decided just to be a transgender woman, no questions asked thank you very much.  For one thing, most genderqueer people I came across were biologically female.  I somehow felt that I would not be welcome.  Also, I have never been especially fond of gender neutral pronouns, as they would require I share this aspect of myself vocally to everyone I met.  But enough of my anecdotes.  

The idea of an identity that is not male or female tends to confuse people, especially people who have never violated the gender binary.  

Let's say you're at a pizza place.  There are two kinds of pizza on the menu-one with meats, and the other with vegetables.  Most people are perfectly happy with the two options...and that's great for them, but some people like both meats and vegetables.  Some people like goat cheese and carmelized onions with a balsamic glaze and roasted garlic, and end up having to make their own.  That is what genderqueer is-it's the freedom to define your own gender without having to look at a menu.  It's the right to decide what you are, and act on it in any way you choose.  A genderqueer identity is absolute and total freedom.

I've adopted a genderqueer identity because it gives me options.  I can identify as female, take proper steps to alter my physical body to better suit that identity-but at the same time, I can cut my hair as short as I like.  I can wear the clothes that I want to without worrying wether they are too masculine or feminine (which I've seen a lot of trans* people torture themselves over).  I do not have to identify as female or male.  I am closer to female than male, so I just go by "she" for convenience, but both don't seem to fit me, and being nether does.  I feel pretty sheepish writing this, because all of this is perfectly obvious to me, but for some reason the idea that people can only identify as two things when they can express that identity in an infinite number of ways seems very unfair to me.  And that's why I'm genderqueer.