On Passing

I thought I would post about something a bit...lighter.  I know this is super long, but hey, it's a pretty extensive topic.

Passing becomes an elusive master to many transgender people.  When I first decided to transition, I promised myself that if I could not pass for female, I would not even bother to transition.  This was incredibly short-sighted of me, both because passing can be overrated and because I can pass with relitive ease, I have been very lucky both for my mace and the voice training learned in the theatre.  Passing becomes the first goal for a lot of younger transgender people-before we consider surgery, sometimes before we even take hormones, we try to pass.  Transgender women often have an easier time then trans men initially, though the tables turn pretty quickly as testosterone takes effect.    Among people who transition at an older age, things become much more complicated, and the truth is that some people will never be able to escape their genetics.  This list is by no means exclusive, but all of these things are worth being aware of.  Also, while I fully support trans-masuline people, I would be more qualified to perform minor surgery (top surgery anyone?) then to offer any advice to them.

1.  Passing is not Everything

Transgender people often view passing as the holy grail of transness.  There are entire archives of meticulous instructions out there-Susan's Place is a hub among MtF transsexuals, and has several books worth of advice.  Most of it, you should ignore.  Thanks to them, I was under the impression for a long, long time that as per the rules, I had to have electrolysis done before I could even present as female.  Period.  No matter what.  That I needed to take voice lessons (more on that later)!  The fact is, passing is not the world-and in my opinion, there are better goals to peruse.  I have met stealth T-girls who look perfectly passable, but then, they also looked like librarians.  I have also met people who I could clearly tell were trans*, yet were absolutely stunning; if you don't believe me, look up the name Andrej Pejek-clearly androgynous looking rather then just female, but beautiful.  Once I started trying to make my face look good, rather then female, passing came naturally.  And please, I don't want to hear about beauty culture on my blog, I am an artist, and I love beauty in all of it's forms, and if you can see something great in a mirror, that empowers you, not the white men I am so often told are responsible.  Or, if you're like me, you can just decide that you'd rather just be you then any specific idea of gender.  Its your call, just be aware.

2.  You're wearing that?

If you are a transgender woman, and you are finding yourself unable to pass, you might want to take a good look at your wardrobe.  Older trans* people, especially MtF transsexuals often have a hard time dressing in a way that works for them, and I understand why-these are people who have spent their entire life with a single picture in their head, a floral print dress, and they have wanted that dress for thirty years, and now, they finally can buy it.  The problem is that nobody wears floral print dresses anymore.  These people tend to dress like what thy think a woman would wear, rather then actually  what most women do put on every morning.  A great exercise is to go out and just look at what people are wearing (I still do it all the time in new york city, but more for fashion reasons).  If you're living on the same planet as I am, you'll see that most women wear slim skirts, blue jenes, tank tops, jackets and flats.  The world has changed, and the classic images of female and male no longer exist in the same stark contrast they used to.

It's very ironic that I can pass one hundred percent of the time if I wear masculine clothing, i.e. pants, button down shirts, with very light makeup, but if I were to wear a classic dress and red lipstick, I would out myself in seconds.  If passing is really your priority, try something more subtle.  Many older trans women try way to hard to be female, and in the end just end up looking silly.  But a fashion forward, sensible girl who knows what clothes work for her body type, and never shows chest?  Passes like a dream.  The point I'm trying to make is that feminine is not the same thing as female, and if someone wants to pass, they should just look and see what women are actually wearing, and then find something that works for them.

3. Styling

When it comes to makeup, there are two mistakes that trans* women tend to make-first, there are the careless ones.  Without experience or any idea what to do (youtube is great for learning this sort of thing) powder their faces, smear on black eyeliner, and then cover their faces in white powder before smearing red lipstick all over their face.  The fact is that even if you do pass while wearing this sort of makeup, people will think you are losing it.  My advice is this-learn how to do something that works for you before going out in makeup.  Look at videos online, and if you have the money, go to a store like sephora (it's almost all gay men working there, don't worry, they were absolutely wonderful to me) and figure out what makeup you are going to wear.  Light foundation is good to have, along with a subtle blush that will allow you to take advantage of your best features while making others seem less prominent.  I might do a post on contouring later, but in a nutshell, you use two shades of foundation, one lighter and one darker.  The lighter shade makes a feature look larger, and a darker one makes it seem smaller (if you apply the darker to the sides of your nose for instance, it will look shorter).  Just watch and learn.

The other school of error is one that I fell into for a time, in part due to the fact that even before I was Lisa, I would do makeup for drag queens.  A drag queen is not a woman, she is a caricature of a woman, like a bobble head or Liberace.  If you wear the thick, strong and heavily contoured makeup of a drag queen, you will look like a drag queen even if you are totally passable.  Look up Wendy Ho.  I was certain that she was the best drag queen I had ever seen until I realized that she was actually a cis woman in heavy makeup and ten inch heels.  More is rarely better if passing is your goal.  On a side note, wearing a wig can often do more harm then good, and making short hair work can really help you until you grow it out.  Of course, if you are like me and your hair is so thick that a relaxer won't even hold for more than a few weeks, short might be the only way to go.

4.  Listen to Lilly Allen

This has nothing to do with passing, but everybody should listen to Lilly Allen.  She's great!

5.  The Voice

Apart from clothing, this is the most crucial element-the fact is that if you are hell bent on passing, your voice could be the first thing to fail.  No matter what your face looks like, a male voice will out you in seconds. If you are anything like me, you will need find a way to overcome what puberty took from you.  There are speech programs out there, and surgeries, but the fact is that with a little effort, you can get your voice to where you want it in a matter of months.  The first thing to be aware of is that we are not trying to actually use a different voice-no falsetto, no lispy silky soft attempts, and no hard edged nasal whining.  My voice is perfectly passable, and I found it in two stages.  The first thing I did was learn to talk like Kurt Hummel from the show Glee-I know, but I was fifteen, can you blame me?  You must be saying to yourself "but he is a HE"!  Yes, this is male voice, but it will get your range you need.  Try and rase the pitch of your voice, first by one third, then by another, until you have reached a point where you are able to enter the female registry without sounding whispery or nasal.  The voice you are trying to find is sweet and affectionate, it lies right in between your breathy chest voice and your nasal whine.  Try speaking sweetly-you want it to sound effortless and natural.  If you have been going at it for a few months, you should be able to make it feel pretty comfortable.

Step two involves going down again.  I know what you're thinking-female voices are high, you want a high voice.  I have found that it is far easier to make a passable voice on the lower end of what is accepted as female.  Most speech therapists will try and insist you go as high as you possibly can, and find where your voice catches, but I have found that this produces a voice that is a monotone, as it eliminates all of your range.  It's the same reason why I am able to sing a male part while passing for female, but not a female part-a real female voice as a lot of range,  and that range will make or break you.  What you want to do is find the highest starting pitch that will allow you to early reach up another third when speaking.  The fact is, this works.  It's simple, easy, and it works.  Not only do I pass over the phone-I am able to sing as a convincing female, if a deep voiced one.  Embrace the fact that your voice is going to be a lower one, and you will sound like a woman who is speaking in a low voice, not a man speaking in a high one.

PS-you will lose your voice quite easily (i.e. don't yell), though it will always recover if you rest it for a day or so.

6.  Relax

Don't TRY be female...just be yourself, try to keep these things in mind, and eventually they will just become second nature-and that is exactly what you want.  I may have let go of passing (though I do still pass) in the name of a more fluid identity, but if it is really important, work at it and don't sweat.  The last thing you want is to need to put effort into all of this.

On The Trans* Community

The transgender community saved my life.  I'm sure that most trans people would say the same-isolation, confusion, desperation, despair-these become the pillars of your life when you finally realize what you are, but find yourself powerless to do anything about it.  It is one of the cruelest ironies I have ever known: The day I finally realized that I wanted to transition was the day I felt the deep, yearning desire to actually do it.  It seems that ignorance is bliss, but the only way to mend the wound from that first, piercing shard of truth is an ocean of knowledge, a repertory of experience that can fill in the gaping hole of doubt.

When I first began looking for myself, I ironically gravitated towards the genderqueer label, not because I thought wanted to be nether male nor female, but because at that point in time, the only concept in my mind was what I wanted to be like, and not who I actually was.  I found gendertrender.org, and took to it right away (please note that I am referring to an online organization dedicated to providing a safe space for non-binary individuals, and not the radical feminist cesspit of bigotry, which can kindly @%$@ itself with it's own gloved finger).  The people I reached out to there really seemed to care that I found out who I was-they pointed me toward a few resources for trans* people as well as a number of blogs run by non binary individuals.   Meanwhile, back on earth, things seemed a bit better-not because they actually were, but because I had found the headspace I needed to sort out my own life.  It wouldn't be a year until I even considered coming out because of the hostility that was receiving at school for being "gay"-ironically enough, at this point in my life, I have self- identified as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender all within a two year period.

Digital technology is truly an amazing human achievement-it allows a disabled boy to become an action hero, an elderly widow to realize that she will never truly be alone in the world, and for a then-meek teenage slip of a girly boy ( yes, I DID just watch hedwig) to be herself.  I would occasionally converse online as female, and it gave me a chance to feel relief.  A year later, I finally worked up the courage to go to an LGBT youth summit, where I met some of my dearest friends today, and more importantly became absolutely sure what I was going to do about these feelings (namely, act) and act I did.  Things moved quickly from there.  I changed from the petrified kid sitting in the corner of the trans seminar at a youth convention to somebody who knew she (she being the operative word) was right.  I embraced the transgender community, closely followed every new development on Wipe Out Transphobia and becoming utterly obsessed with tumblr.  In college, I even began to help run the transgender advocacy group-and it was around the time that I decided to cast away my labels.  The moment I did that, everything came into sharp contrast, and I bitterly had to accept the fact that the entire community was flawed.

I am a rationalist.  I am liberal, but I am violently opposed to extremism, of any sort.  I believe what is rational, what I know to be right.  When I decided that I would be my own person, all of the little things that the transgender community was doing which were flawed.  The most innocuous blog posts were treated with utter hostility if they did not contain trigger warnings.  As much as a simple mistake on the part of a news organization regarding pronouns became a capital crime.  Any joke involving cross dressing was called "hate speech"-while I DID harbor a deep hatred for ABCs Work It, it was because it was terrible and not because it offended me.  Every time I called myself Queer, I would start a flame war.  And once, when I commented on a posting of a tragic murder, saying "she was beautiful, it is utterly terrible that her life was cut short the way it was" I received a ten hour lecture from what seemed like every trans person on Facebook about "beauty culture" and how the only reason I think she was beautiful and cared is because privileged men told me to.  When I said that I was an artist, that I loved beauty is all its forms, I was told that I was frivolous and that I had no right to comment on such issues.

The fact is, the only reason why I have any right to have a rational discussion is because I am an artist.  I made up my own mind, I came to these conclusions myself.  I realized that I did not need to live in perpetual fear of rape, and that it was the product of a male culture; feminists fail to realize that anyone who is not a body builder feels uncomfortable outside late at night, and that me telling people to put a shirt on is not an issue of oppression, but because I happen to think that anyone, male or female going topless is just a bit tasteless.  I found that while many of the inequalities pointed out to me existed, many more did not.  Ace Ventura never conditioned me to hate transgender people, no more than Jon Stewart's self deprecating jokes taught me to hate jewish people.  The fact is, if the transgender community is going to achieve their goal of equality for all, they need to stop attacking Richard Branson for wearing red a dress and start focus on issues like health care access and the accept the fact that HRC is not deliberately hateful, simply incompetent.  Gender is not just a societal prison, or a construct-to me, it is a playground, and in the long run should not really be such a big deal.  The Burj Kalifa is not a giant phalus to me, it is something incredibly beautiful and inspiring.  And gay jokes can be really, really funny if they're told the right way.

The truth is that I love the transgender community.  It means well, it does all it can to help its members, and sometimes can make a real difference when it lets go of things that are not all that important.  There is nothing I want more then the trans* community to prosper as a powerhouse for what is right, but also as a voice of reason.  The sooner that transgender people can realize that they are living proof of the fact that gender really does not mean as much as we think, and that it can be whatever we make of it, the better the world will be.  And the sooner they believe it, the sooner the rest of the world can as well.    The sooner they can just let go, the better.

-Lisa K

Please let me reiterate that I totally support the ideals of trans equality, but also what is reasonable, like allowing a few jokes every once in a while.

First Post

I've never really kept a blog before, but I've always wanted to, and there's no time like the present.

Let's start with myself:  My name is Lisa, and I'm Trans*.  I use the astrix because even after one and a half years presenting as female full time I can't say for sure what I am, only that it's really great and everyone should try it (kidding, but seriously, being comfortable is far more important then passing in my mind, and EVERYONE, male or female or other, has not lived until they've worn a fitted white three piece suit at least once.)

When I first figured out that I wanted to transition, I found myself faced with a conundrum-I have always seen myself as female, and as a male I was incredibly feminine, but as a female?  Not feminine at all.  I still like pants, printed shirts, and suits, and fitted leather jackets.  I cut my hair short, and I blush every time someone tells me that I look androgynous.  In one sense, I'm not "transgender", I simply do what I like and people happen to see me as a female born male.  I did however go through the years of burning desire to transition, and so in that respect, I am quite typical among transgender people.  At this point, I go by Lisa and "she" around everyone I know, and pass most all the time.  I'm beginning to adopt Genderqueer as a label for myself, but I try not to cling to it.  Labels have always defined who we see ourselves as, but they do more harm than good.  Once I stopped changing labels and just changing clothes, everything fell into place.  Janelle Monae has become my personal icon.

 

                                                                                                      

I am aspiring to be a professional costume designer for theatre and film (and for a college freshman I'm making some great progress).  I've come to realize that a career centered trans* person is a rare thing in todays world.  Theatre is a very open collective of people, and if you are a transgender professional, it is one of the best places to be.  So far, I have only done small community and summer stock shows, but things change.  Design suits me.  It combines the fulfillment of being an artist and the sheer fun of being a fashion designer with the rigor and depth encountered by a historian (and, if you play your cards right, a handsome paycheck).

I'll be posting regularly with my thoughts, feelings, and advice.  Feel free to comment on anything, and I'll get back as soon as I can; I'm open to most any questions and a reader wants some on-topic advice, I can give it.  Between my time working in a drag bar, my design experience, and my own gender situation, I know every passing trick in the book.  If you like esoteric and mildly sarcastic commentary on relevant issues written by a fashion forward MtFt? this is the place to be.

-Lisa K

PS-I know I sound a bit disorganized, but I'm just getting used to the blog format.  Most of what I am going to be writing is much tidier than this.