Suicide

If you are a transgender person, there is a 70% chance that you will consider killing yourself.

If you are a transgender person, there is a 50% chance that you will attempt it.

If you are a transgender person, there is a 30% chance you'll succeed.

When I first read these numbers, I didn't believe it.  I still have a hard time believing it.  The thought that one in three of the young trans* people I've met will kill themselves makes me want to vomit.  I always hope that the people I've met won't-they've had support, people who understand their experience.  But I don't really believe it.  

I've been fortunate enough that I have never been close to anyone who's actually done the deed.  I've met one or two in passing-at the time it's always seemed like just another random encounter.  Whenever I learn that I've met one of these people, I can't help but mourn them-I mean really mourn them.  I don't grieve for them because of loss-what destroys me is the idea of them-the idea that it can really happen to any of us, and just how fragile life can be for people like us.  Then, I become angry.  I'm angry at the world around them, the culture of bullying, discrimination, violence, and mental anguish that makes being transgender much, much harder.  

But most of all, I feel angry at them.

These people weren't murdered.  They weren't the victims of some terrible accident.  These people chose to end their own lives.  The problem of suicide in the transgender can't really be a cultural one-culture didn't kill these people.  So what can be done?

Suicide prevention hotlines and awareness rallies are good intentioned, but they will never be successful in the way they want to be.  Not all suicides are the same.  Some are acts of passion-rage, despair take over and people just can't...stop themselves.  Many fail.  A few succeed.  They can be helped by these things-for them, it's a rough road, but theres a chance for them to bounce back.

Sometimes, it can't be helped.  Sometimes, it's not a coward's act, it's not an act of passion.  It's a calm, disciplined thing.  It's an inevitability, a certainty.  In callous terms, these are the people who use guns.  Once someone reaches a crisis, has set this plan in place-I don't believe they can survive, not once they reach that point.

I'm not bothered by the people who stare at me-I can tolerate looking at their faces.  What people like me can't bear is looking down, or into a mirror-the root of our problems is not the way others treat us, it's the way we see ourselves.  There is a certain amount of innate self loathing that every trans person experiences-the knowledge that you might never be seen as yourself.  We don't want people to make us feel welcome or to offer us support.  Most of us don't want to be transgender people, we want to be normal.  We want this part of ourselves to disappear, to be able to go in public and know that nobody will ever find out unless you see fit to tell them.  Discrimination and unemployment are transient things, but this is not: I know when I pass and when I don't, and when I don't, there is a sudden surge of disgust and dissatisfaction.

What can be done?  To begin with, people like me should have access to medical resources.  Most people can't just pay for surgery; I've been trying to come up with it for ages now.  The opportunity to be seen as just another person, and to see yourself as what your brain keeps saying you ought to see is often the only relief.  If we can start younger, things would be easier.  I don't mean at five or three, but before puberty destroys any chance we have of being "normal".  The chance to just fit in is one that can save lives.  There need to be resources to facilitate transition-to facilitate it so that we can just go on with our our lives without having to pay any attention to our genders.  This isn't about making people feel better, it's about saving lives.

Why do people hate us?

I know, I know-this sounds like it's going to be a pity-party all around.  A ten paragraph rant about how much being me sucks.  It's not though.  I'm doing the best I can to approach this from a serious and intellectual stance.  So why do people hate us?  Why do I of all people find the some transgender people off-putting against my better judgement?  Why is our society so violently opposed to what it is that we are?

Allow me to propose that perhaps it is perfectly natural for us to view transgenderism as "unnatural".  This sounds like the creed of the far right, but it's not.  I'm not saying that this is right, only that it is correct.  Darwin teaches us that due to the incredibly slow and deliberate process of natural selection, there is virtually no case of a genetic trait that is not beneficial (or at least not harmful) proliferating.  As a very vague rule, if something is not beneficial to the species, over the course of hundreds of thousands of years it will no longer exist.  While evolution is not intelligent, it does seem almost smart enough to make up for it's snails pace.

Now, let me propose something else: that patriarchy falls under this umbrella of traits that are hypothetically beneficial to the survival of our species.  Human women are generally not as strong as human men.  This isn't really that noticeable a difference in our world today; Worth in today's world is not measured by physical prowess, but by mental ability.  However, before a few hundred thousand years ago, physical strength was undoubtedly a very important asset as we had not yet developed the means to compensate for a lack in it.  In the world of the early homo-sapain, the female was not as able as the man.  It was in her best interest and that of her species to stay away from harm and have children.  Our minds and our roles in the world have evolved a great deal since then, but I believe it is no mistake that almost every human civilization has been male dominated-perhaps we are predisposed to be sexist because it was, for a long time, beneficial.

When I say sexism is natural, I don't mean that it's right or good of course.  Murder, rape, incest, brutality, inequality, sickness and primal impulsive actions are all "perfectly natural", but of course they are not something we want anything to do with.  Sexism used to be perfectly justified in the prehistoric past, and we're just trying to make up for our natures so that hopefully, the empowerment and happiness of the individual can take precedent over the archaic and anachronistic instincts that have kept us in a stone-age mentality.

Because of all this, gender plays a huge role in the way we treat one another.  And violation of this innate code seems unnatural to us.  In my research, there have only been two reactions to a violation of the gender binary thorough pre-contemporary history: "This is unnatural, we must kill it" (more common, I'm afraid) and "This is unnatural, it must be a gift from god" (The two-spirts, the Hijra caste in better times, the palace eunuchs...).  Obviously, it's nothing that interesting; probably just a flux in en-vitro hormone levels.  We're put off by transgender people who blatantly combine strong male and strong female traits.  My theory is that we aren't put off by a woman with a short haircut in a well pressed suit because there is subtlety involved-but a number of people would find a nude picture of Buck Angel quite off-putting.  On the other end of the spectrum, it's Andrej Pejek vs Money Python drag acts: subtlety versus blatant clashing.

We find it unnatural.  I hate myself for saying it, but it's true.  Most people find the idea of transgenderism to be unnatural.  Unnatural is not the same thing as wrong, but that's not the point.  We've always treated anything we couldn't explain with hostility-it's just compensation.  I think that we might just be pre-disposed on a biological level to be put off by people like myself.  Does that mean hate is justified?  Of course not.  But I am almost sure that "our" reaction to people like myself is innate-just a though.

So what do we do?  What do we do to get past the years of social conditioning and innate revulsion if you have a problem?

You get the fuck over it, because it's not your god damn business!  I'm happy enough being the person I am, and I would appreciate it if people would stop caring for once!  I'm happy, you can go over there and be happy, and we can both get on with our lives.

A Victory (with afterthoughts)

I am writing this upon hearing the fantastic news that Coy Mathis, a eight year old transgender child from Colorado has just won the right to use the girl's bathroom at her school.  I am incredibly happy  for her-she has done something truly wonderful, even though she might not realize it for years to come.  As happy as I am for Coy Mathis, I have also found myself exposed to some of the nastiest things the internet has to offer.  I don't know why I read comment sections of these articles because I know they will only make me angry, but alas, I do...I thought I would offer my take on what is being said.

Coy Mathis is a girl.  She looks like a girl, she feels like a girl, and she knows she is a girl.

Coy Mathis is also transgender-But my question is this: Does she really know what it means to be transgender?  Her parents have been totally accepting of her identity, and her brother and most of her friends have as well, but this situation at her school is proof that most of the world will not be so warm towards who she is.  Coy was only six years old when she began her transition, and I have no doubt that she was, is, and probably will continue to see this as the right thing to do.  I have no doubt in my mind that she knows she is a girl.  I believe that she has every right to be herself.  Two things about her situation do bring out some reservations on my part though.  Firstly, while she probably not going to outgrow this, it is quite possible that she might.  People change a lot over the years.  This is not enough however for anyone to deny her a gender transition.  It's the second reason that bothers me more.

When I first began to take hormones, I had to undergo something called "informed consent".  My doctor spent about an hour going over the potential consequences, complications, and other related issues with what I was about to do.  Coy was not informed of the potential consequences, complications, and other related issues of what she has undergone.  She has no idea that statistically speaking, there is a one in twelve chance that she will be killed in cold blood.  She doesn't know about the stigma on people like us.  Does this mean she should not be able to transition?  Of course not.  But do I believe that she should be aware of all of these things before her transition is facilitated?  I do.

There are some children who are born to be dancers.  I'm not talking about your sis at her ballet class-I mean children who truly have a gift.  They are graceful, strong-and from a young age, they train.  They train under the guidance of their parents and teachers, and that training becomes their life because they have a gift-and because most often these children love to dance.  They train and train and train-they go to conservatories, and eventually, some of them become great.  Some of them are able to transcend the limits of their art.  They are masters of movement, and their mastery is celebrated for the world to see.  Most of them are not.  Most of them find themselves with a lifetime's worth of mastery in their art, and nowhere to use it.  The only thing they are qualified to do is dance, and most of them will never earn a living wage doing it.  I am bringing this up because I believe it is wrong for a parent to sign their child over to ballet before cultivating other skills, other interests, other futures.  If you sign your child away to this future at six, then she will never imagine a different direction for her life, perhaps until it is to late.  What if you made your child wait?  What if you continued to allow them to dance, but made sure they did well in school?  Rather than telling they would be a dancer, telling them that they could be whatever they wanted?  And then, once they are sure, after years have passed, and they understand the odds against them, then they take that leap of faith.

I don't mean to say that Coy Mathis should have to endure years of agony.  She should have been allowed to wear the clothes, and play with the toys she wished.  But I do not think her family should have facilitated her transition until they were sure that she knew what she was doing-Coy could have waited until she was ten, until she was twelve, until she was an age when she could understand what hate was.

All of this being said, I'm happy for Coy.  She seems happy herself, and that's enough for me.

The real issue I have is with her parents.  It might have been a bit optimistic for her family to facilitate her transition they way they did, but nothing bad has come of that, so I am happy for her.  What they did that was not OK was publicly identifying their daughter.  Coy Mathis will carry this legacy on her back for the rest of her life.  To me, and hopefully to whomever reads this, that legacy is a great thing-but for some, it is not.  In twenty years, when Coy is applying for a job, all her prospective employer would need to do is type her name into google, and all of a sudden, her entire history would be laid bare.  Some people won't care.  Some will.  Coy will never be able to avoid disclosing this aspect of her life-it is set in stone, as a part of her permanent digital footprint.  I think that the fact her parents were so carefree and nonchalant about not only naming but providing pictures of their daughter is irresponsible, and could potentially endanger her, and prevent her from having the opportunities she deserves.  The world knows that Coy Mathis was born a boy.  She has been outed in a way that is permanent and irreversible.

I have my reservations.  Anyone reading this will have theirs-but the fact remains that this represents one of the strongest legal precedents for the transgender movement in history.  There is now a court decision which says (paraphrased, of course) "Transgender children may use the same bathroom as every other boy or girl without worrying about something everyone else barely notices".  This is a great moment for us.  Coming on it's heels will be the largest step forward or backward for lesbian, gay, and transgender couples in history, and I hope that the Supreme Court makes the decision to do the right thing, and to end up on the right side of history.  For now though, Coy Mathis and her family have managed to change the landscape for me and people like me everywhere.  And I think we can all agree that's a good thing.

To anyone reading-

I am happy to announce that I have begun working on a very exiting project.  Titled "Mia", it centers on a family and how they are affected when they find out that their eldest child is transgender.  If you are transgender and reading this, I would be honored if you would consider sharing your story.  This is a fictitious story that will be woven from many different real ones-This is a chance for your story to be told, the events of our experiences to be woven into a single tapestry-if you are willing to be a part of this project, please let me know-leave a comment saying you are interested so I can figure things out.  Our, just email me a lisa.kolodkin@purchase.edu.  If even one of you would be willing to share your experiences, you could make a real difference for me and many others...

Priorities

In March of 2013 Lucy Meadows, a british schoolteacher, was found dead in her apartment.  There were no suspicious circumstances surrounding her death; the inquest ruled a suicide.  As I'm sure many of you know, Lucy Meadows was a transgender woman.  In 2012, she transitioned from male to female and returned to school that fall.  Thing initially went well, but that december, the grandfather of a student complained that someone like Lucy should not be allowed to teach.  I have no idea whether or not she was a good teacher (they are hard to come by), but regardless, she found herself on trial for being transgender.  I think it's absolutely outrageous that she was being judged for this, while back in the states a teacher can literally have sex with a student and still get full pay for years before anything actually happens, but I digress.  Things went from nasty to terrible when a british tabloid, the Daily Mail took up her story and Richard Littlejohn wrote and published an article on her-it was rude, crude, and very offensive.  When she committed suicide, the only blatant culprit was this publicity-this unwarranted personal attack left her with nowhere to turn.  But despite how horrible the attack on her was, I cannot in good conscience accuse Richard Littlejohn of her murder, because he did not kill her.  Lucy Meadows killed Lucy Meadows.

I think the accusation that this article caused her suicide is an insult to transgender people everywhere.  As much as I would like to say that saying something bad about someone in a tabloid is a hate crime, I can't because it isn't.  The price we pay for living in a country that allows people like me to speak our minds is the right for people we disagree with to do the same.  And the only way that someone can be protected from this sort of attack is to endure it-within the LGBT and Feminist communities, I have seen an alarming growth in movements that seek to suppress speech and expression that is, well, offensive.  I do not think that the Daily Mail was in the right, I think that they are idiots-but they are not murderers, and they are not even biggots.  Their crime was stupidity, and the only person I can blame for that suicide was the victim.

Bigotry is very, very real.  People like myself are killed every day, and I can honestly say that late at night, I sometimes hold my hand inside the pocket of my bag where I keep my multitool.  My blog became a playground for a few days for a band of rad-fems who would be very happy to see me and everyone like me gone.  These are people who hate us, simply and absolutely.  Some of them will come to their senses; most of them will not.  And yet I think there is a certain grudging acceptance that we have for people like this-I feel sometimes like we have given up on those that mean us ill, and now are just trying to compensate by going after people for making stupid mistakes-calling the misgendering of a transgender person a "hate crime" for example.  I have been involved in a hate crime once, and I can tell you reader, that misgendering someone is not a hate crime any more than insulting them is a murder.

These people are not biggots; they are idiots.  They do not need to be attacked, they do not need to be scolded, most often they do not even need to be bothered.  The best thing to do in these cases is to nicely tell them that what they said was offensive, and hope for the best.  Despite this, we as activists bite back as hard as we can, and as a result we make enemies instead of educating.  Sometimes, the best way to induce change is to know when to leave something be-nobody likes being called out and frankly it usually just makes us look like the ones in the wrong.

I am not defending bigotry-I hate hatred as much as everyone else (should) but it is unfair of us to pin suicides on careless journalists, accuse people who use the word "he" of hate crimes.  This is a call for moderation, for us to direct our efforts.  We should not waste our time on mistakes, obituaries with the wrong names-we should spend our time trying to resolve the fact that there is a one in twelve chance that some day, perhaps some day soon, I am going to be cut down where I am standing because I had the gall to live my life the way I chose.  So please, spend all of the time you want calling out people who use the word "transgendered" or accusing the world for an act that was committed by the victim, and could have been prevented had the VICTIM been given help, and not the "cause neutralized".  But there is a one on twelve chance that my luck or the luck of you or someone you care about will run out.     And why we as activists do not spend our time trying to solve this rather than the trivial is far beyond me.

Asparations

I have been told my entire life that I am a dreamer.  This is not entirely true.  “Dreamer” implies that I prefer to think about my ambitions rather then seize them.  My life has been fraught with setbacks–financial, health, and gender related–but I have always managed to bounce back.  When I first told my family about how I would not let my transition effect my career, my mother replied “but that is so male of you”.  She was obviously being crass with me, as she herself is a lawyer, school board member, magazine editor, and the worst cook I have ever met.  Her joke aside, I think she inadvertently pointed out something that runs very deep among transgender people: More often than not we (and I use we to refer to transgender people in general and not myself specifically) find ourselves enslaved by our own stereotypes. 

When someone who was raised male dreams of being a woman, a specific image often comes to mind; most transsexual women I have met have said as much, and for a long time I was just as guilty. This would not be a problem except our world is still one defined by gender stereotypes.  The vision of the 1950s Americana housewife is no longer the norm for women today, but that image still sticks to our culture like an overused piece of chewing gum.  And for that reason, any initial image of femininity that a transgender person envisions will invariably be a stereotype.  I decided that I would just not transition if I was be doomed to become a housewife or a teacher, but I digress.  The point I am trying to make is that transgender people tend to act and present in a way that is more feminine or masculine then they feel personally compelled to. 

Part of it is overcompensation, and this is most obvious in our choices of clothing.  While most people would never wear plaid flannel or pink floral dresses on a daily basis, It’s gotten to the point where I can oftentimes spot a trans* person based on their choice of clothing alone.  This is not a real problem, but that people will do the same thing with their personalities is.  Many trans* woman are passive and quiet, sometimes totally enveloped in their transition.  Some of them have an air of resignation about them, as if they have accepted the fact that they are second-class citizens and always will be.  Transgender people should never settle for less because of their gender, and should never have to change their personality because of what society tells them a woman or man is.  And also, no more pink floral dresses.  This isn’t just for transgender people, but for everyone.  Just don’t.

The message “be who you are” resonates loudly throughout the LGBT community, especially among trans* circles.  But what about after you start being who you are?  It always drives me crazy when people never think about what comes after their transition.  For many, the only dream they will ever have is that dream of becoming the man or woman or what-have.  I adamantly believe that anyone, no matter what or who they are can only do their best when they aim for something greater.  Transgender people are no exception.  We should not aspire to be men and women.  We should aspire to be great men and great women.  And so should the rest of the world. 

How it feels

As a transgender person, I am asked many questions-"how long have you known", "are you having surgery", "are you getting your thing cut off"; the list goes on.  While they were never the most insightful questions, I could always find a way to answer them.  Many transgender people are very secretive about these things, but I've always thought that I had a duty to answer these questions, firstly because it would be rude not to, and also because I know that if nobody can answer them, then we will be condemned to repeat our past.  There has been only which I've never really been able to answer: "What does it really feel like to be transgender".  The answer is hard to explain.

I have always been ashamed of the fact that I never wanted to transition.  I don't regret the decision, far from it, but if I was given a choice between a pill that could have made all of this go away, and the trials I have endured, I would choose the pill in a heartbeat.  It's not that I am ashamed about who and what I am.  It's just that being transgender is not easy.  Every moment, I need to make a conscious effort to walk and speak a certain way.  I can only wear specific outfits, ones that fit a certain way.  Most people look a bit frazzled if they don't bother to do their hair.  I risk open hostility every day if I don't.

I've had to reassess my entire life's plan.  Before all of this came into the picture, I was going to become a chef.  I had contacted some of the finest schools in the country, I was working and learning every day.  All of that was for nothing, because until the world changes, there will be very few industries where someone like me can reach that highest tier.  There is a glass ceiling for women and for racial minorities, but for me, things are in a new class of impossibility.  Most people do not actively hate women and racial minorities (at least not openly), but it is considered perfectly OK to hate people like myself.  Even if I moved to a state where I would be protected by law, I could never reach the place where I wanted to be.  While I have found a place for myself in the world in a field that will allow me to do as well as anyone else, I've had to change the entire direction of everything.  Being transgender is very expensive-while I do not want surgery that much myself, it is not really my choice.  If I am to be allowed a place in society, or have any sort of long-term conventional relationship, I must have it.  I am a slave to the ideals of the people around me.

I am not saying this to complain.  I have complained enough for a lifetime, and nothing good ever comes of it.  I am saying all of this because in order for you to understand how it feels to be transgender, you need to understand just how much we end up sacrificing.  And you need to understand that to my rational mind, my better judgement, transition could never be worth the cost.  Being transgender is not a desire to be something other than what you are.  It is not a choice that makes us somehow alleviate our feelings of gender dysphoria.  It is never a choice-no sane person could ever make this choice.  There is no logic to the hell that I have went through, and the hell that I am still going through when people decide that I am no longer worthy or humanity.  I do not feel or think that I am transgender.  I do not feel or think that this is the right thing to do with my life. Until I began my transition, every day I lived with the innate and instinctual knowledge that my gender was wrong, alien.  My life is still fraught with conflict as a result-I can look in a mirror and be perfectly satisfied with the face I see.  And despite the fact that the face I see looks good, I feel sick to my stomach, because no matter how much I resent this, that face and body can not belong to me.  I feel as if the person I see is just standing in front of me, and if that person stepped aside, I would finally be able to see my own reflection.

There are steps that people like myself can take to change these things, in my case with some success.  I think it is very telling that I tend to dress in a relatively masculine way.  I enjoy dressing in an androgynous way, I am drawn it to because of what it is that I want.  But I do not identify as androgynous.  I cannot decide not to min if people think that I am male.  I may love embracing androgyny, but that is my choice of fashion.  No matter how much I dress the way I love, act the way I love, I cannot escape that fact that if I am not seen as a female doing these things, I am petrified, frozen, and disgusted.  There can never be an escape from the things that we know to be true, and someone like me can only try to make them true.

I wish I could say that nothing good has come of all of this, because than I might be able to truly accept that this is what my life must be and resign myself and try to forget.  I wish I could say that, but it would not be true.  These agonizing steps that compose a transition do offer me and people like me the chance to escape the prison in our minds.  People have told me that it insults trans* people to call gender dysphoria a disorder.  Perhaps it does on a certain level, but I cannot say that it is not true.  Nothing but a disorder could mandate such subversive steps to relieve it.  I hate being transgender in many ways.  I still feel as put off, or even disgusted as most people do when they see a naked pre-op.  I do not find it fun, I do not find it enjoyable, though I do find all of this in my gender expression.  I sometimes decide to stay home because I do not want to make anyone around me feel uncomfortable, which I have no doubt will happen if I am not able to properly execute my flawless facade.

In the end though, I cannot change this any more than a person with a shattered spine can choose to walk again.  For better or worse, this is a part of my life that just is.  Even in the face of ridicule and under the threat of violence, I cannot accept "no" for an answer when I am pushed aside.   So I pick myself up, and do the things that I need to do.  No matter what happiness I find, there will always be this single shard of glass in my side unless I can remove it.  In the end, if I am able to make myself that person I know I am, even for a single instant, I can find peace.

Genderqueer identities and how to explain them to your straight friends

The face of the transgender community has remained about the same ever since it's genesis.  Mr. Jones takes a week long trip and comes back Ms. Jones...or, the broad shouldered, dark skinned and deep voiced ten buck prostitute on the side of the road if you are especially unlucky.  For that reason, when I was first exploring a trans* identity, I felt very constrained, because the definition of "transgender" seemed to mandate that I either have a sex change operation and return as a typical housewife in a pink floral dress or become a prostitute (the latter being slightly preferable, but my fear of a slow AIDS related death and dislike of dirty bedsheets really spoiled the deal).  The public view of transgender people does not allow same-gender attraction, a more masculine or androgynous way of expressing that identity, and the idea of a transgender professional seemed like a peyote induced hallucination.  For that reason, I had to look outside this limited view.

Most transgender people at some point in their life looking at an image of their ideal self, the person they most want to appear to be.  Most cis people do it too, though I don't think it holds the same significance.  For most transgender people, it's a model, or a wife, a local beauty.  I have not met any trans-women (myself aside) who had anything else in mind.  For me, things were different.  I was never  drawn to ultra-feminity.  I have worn a dress only once in my life, and I plan on keeping it that way.  Ever since my mid teens, I became obsessed with music from the 1980s and late 1970s-sleek, strong, and bold.  Performers like Annie Lennox (of the Eurythmics), Pat Benatar, David Bowie, Boy George, and Prince.  These people challenged gender norms, not because of some internal identity, but because they wanted to and because they could.  Even Madonna tried her hand at androgyny in the early nineties-it was her best look by far.

These performers fascinated me because they could challenge the gender binary and become something nether male or female, but none the less beautiful.  And that's when I first heard the word genderqueer. 

I knew that I identified as female, there was no doubt in my mind of that-it was not my identity but my ideal expression of gender that mandated I find something else that could let me defy the gender binary, but still from a female perspective.  I think I first heard of "genderqueer" while reading a pamphlet, or perhaps a footnote in a book.  This was an identity that was neither male nor female.  Society does not define a genderqueer identity.  A genderqueer person is able to choose what they want to be.  It offers almost total freedom to defy the gender binary and to create something uniquely yours.  I was hesitant initially for several reasons, which is why I (at first) decided just to be a transgender woman, no questions asked thank you very much.  For one thing, most genderqueer people I came across were biologically female.  I somehow felt that I would not be welcome.  Also, I have never been especially fond of gender neutral pronouns, as they would require I share this aspect of myself vocally to everyone I met.  But enough of my anecdotes.  

The idea of an identity that is not male or female tends to confuse people, especially people who have never violated the gender binary.  

Let's say you're at a pizza place.  There are two kinds of pizza on the menu-one with meats, and the other with vegetables.  Most people are perfectly happy with the two options...and that's great for them, but some people like both meats and vegetables.  Some people like goat cheese and carmelized onions with a balsamic glaze and roasted garlic, and end up having to make their own.  That is what genderqueer is-it's the freedom to define your own gender without having to look at a menu.  It's the right to decide what you are, and act on it in any way you choose.  A genderqueer identity is absolute and total freedom.

I've adopted a genderqueer identity because it gives me options.  I can identify as female, take proper steps to alter my physical body to better suit that identity-but at the same time, I can cut my hair as short as I like.  I can wear the clothes that I want to without worrying wether they are too masculine or feminine (which I've seen a lot of trans* people torture themselves over).  I do not have to identify as female or male.  I am closer to female than male, so I just go by "she" for convenience, but both don't seem to fit me, and being nether does.  I feel pretty sheepish writing this, because all of this is perfectly obvious to me, but for some reason the idea that people can only identify as two things when they can express that identity in an infinite number of ways seems very unfair to me.  And that's why I'm genderqueer.

For any readers:

I've taken a lot of heat lately, mostly unmerited and coming from radical feminist groups...I've been doing my best to try and have a civil dialog, but I really can't manage much more of this.  If you are not going to ask me an honest question, or raise a real concern (commenting on my sexuality or identity is not a real concern) I need to ask that you just not post.  I started this blog for the transgender community, and all of this arguing is just giving me a bad name and wasting all of our time.  If you are not trans*, do not have a serious question, or do not know me personally, I will most likely not be able to respond to your future comments, and if they continue to be degrading to myself or any other transgender people, I will be forced to take them down.

If you don't have something nice, interesting, insightful, positive, or funny to say, it's probably not worth posting.

Thanks

Make a Statement

Firstly, I would like to thank the minority of people who have come to this blog with an actual interest in what I have to say.  I would also like to thank (though to a lesser extent) the number of thoughtless radicalist biggots who have made this place their playground-Three hundred visitors in half a week is no mean accomplishment for a blog that is less than a week old.  Regardless, as a very large bit of my faith in humanity has been crushed in the past few days, I think it's only right for me to address this issue.


A friend of mine, who I will keep anonymous for the sake of their privacy mentioned to me a few days ago that an incredibly offensive and senseless radical "feminist" site had left this person feeling quite upset...sensitivities aside, this site is absolutely horrible.  Not only is it biggoted, but also senseless, poorly written, and lacking in even the most basic informed points.  If you are reading this, I encourage you to tell the writer of this blog just what you think...

Anyways, I visited this site with the intention to reason with these people (in hindsight, time would be better served wrestling a ten foot grizzly bear), and left a level-headed message that would have probably been met aggressively but not with the sheer hostility I faced based on account of a clumsy mistake I made...you see, I had recently retired my newer personal email following a personal crisis that mandated I discontinue that email address, and instead used my old email address from a few years ago, which is under my former name...I still use it for registering things, old accounts, basically anything that could result in spam.  Well, within a few seconds, I received a response, refusing to recognize as anything but male, and calling me a liar.  After responding by explaining why I was using said email address (with one exception however-I did skirt around the trans bit, these people are not the nicest bunch) I received a huge backlash, ranging from the occasional well-said point to wild accusations that I was a rapist, mentally challenged, autistic, a gay MALE, a prick, a liar, ugly, stupid, and a number of other really crude comments.

I was not initially too bothered by this-but then, a poster who only identified as "anonymous" managed to post most of my entire public digital footprint-everything-facebook pictures, this blog, my linkedin account-everything in a manner of seconds.  From there, things went from ugly to really ugly, as I was berated.  I left the site, but a decent number of readers managed to find their way to my site...and began to post very nasty comments.  If you want to check it out yourself, go to the entry titled "on passing"-for those of you who want to feel angry right this moment, here are a few of the highlights:

"But we'll see. I do have a few friends at Purchase. Have fun at school!" 

"PS-I'm sorry about your dick" 

"You think you are in control?"

Just for you.  (this one is a link)

"Don't call yourself female. That is just stupid, and it is an insult to those of us who are actually female."

"I feel sorry for you because you couldn't hack it as a man and chose instead to claim to be female."

"You are not a feminist. You are a delusional male who tries to pass himself off as a woman. Don't believe me? Look in your pants!"

"Or maybe people do humor you, calling you "miss" or whatever to your face, and then laughing about the effeminate guy after you've left. Have you ever considered that, or does your delusion prevent you from critical thought?"

"you were lying on that blog about being a female... once the link to your FB profile and photo were posted, there was no doubt at all!"

A very pleasant woman, yes?  Apart from her stalking and the fact that I have repeatedly asked her to cease and desist, she has continued to post offensive video clips, rude statements, and other nasty nuggets of hate.  I was slightly flattered to find out that one of the most notorious enemies of the trans* community has decided to attack me personally!  

Cathy Brennan (often writing under the name bugbrennan) is a radical among radicals.  Her exploits include Outing teenage transgender people to their schools, holocaust denial (the link to which she has removed), Bringing the full wrath of the FBI down on anyone who does not share her views, and  creating this artistic masterpiece.  Very pleasant, no?  Ms. Brennan refuses to back up her arguments with any facts, instead preferring to make broad blanked statements, and eventually resorting to bashing other people's character.  Despite being a registered attorney in the state of Maryland, she repeatedly stalks and then publishes vast amounts of personal information-while no such provision against this exists at this time, were I under eighteen she could face a year in prison.  

I think it's time we take the fight to her-if you are reading this, I implore you to call 410-336-9857, and let her know that we have had enough-tell your friends to do the same.  This woman is a cancer, trying to destroy everything we stand for (and, might I add, being quite petty, as the average 40-something attorney has better things to do with their time).  Cathy Brennan cannot continue to attack people this way-let's let her know that.

The Danger of Radicalism

Radicalism has always been a pervasive force since the beginning of recorded history.  The different breeds of radicalism-diffrent as they are-all share a common root: Fear.  When we are threatened, we become willing to do things we would normally never consider.  Rome surrendered control of their military to a man who would become their emperor.  A faction of radical german politicians were able to seize the entire country by convincing it's people that they were under threat (and given the economic circumstances, they were not entirely wrong) leading to the second largest confirmed mass murder of all time.  Fear of the United State's military presence and support of Israel, which has long been seen by its neighbors as an autocratic threat to their sovereignty coupled with a resurgence of islamic fundamentalism drove a small isolated pocket of militants to hijack for airplanes and kill three thousand innocent people who had absolutely no part in their plight.  Radicalism is, at this point in time, one of the greatest threats to our democratic society-because at it's core, this response to threat consists of two, central tenants:  Firstly, that the ends almost justify the means, and Second, that anyone who does not agree with the radicalist is an enemy, and is dehumanized.

The pervasive influence of radicalism is a threat to any central, mainstream cause for reasons.  A radical will almost always demand that the entire system, the entire structure, the entire world change to reflect their wishes, regardless of what the majority (and often basic human morality) deems right.  The radical does not care about the well-being (and at times, the lives) of those that disagree with their cause, and will see fit to attack people who sometimes are not even aware such a cause exists.  Finally, the radical is singlehandedly able to detrimentally impact the credibility of an ideology-if you don't believe me, just compare the pre and post 9/11 tolerances for islam.  If one apple is rotten, then you might as well burn the whole orchard.

I am going to address a very specific breed of radicalism now, and it is with a heavy heart that I do so.  I am not nearly as phased by a radical who disagrees with my cause as one who stands for something that I do as well (or, at least generally speaking, as details tend to be where the disagreement starts).  I am referring to the Radical school of Feminism, which has become a misguided attempt to dismantle an existing social structure, all the while turning more and more people (especially men) against the feminist ideals.  Radical feminism is defined by the belief that all men profit from, desire, and even enjoy the oppression of women.  To them, any organization with male leaders or even male menbers is a direct threat to their way of thinking.  It has been criticized for it's lack of further insight to other forms of oppression, and operates under the assumption that a rich, white female lawyer has less privilege then a black man living in a ghetto.  Furthermore, these groups are attempting to disarm the entirety of the LGBT liberation movement on the grounds that it has been run by (you guessed it !) men.  In essence, the radical feminist claims to seek equality between the genders, but is actually itself incredibly sexist, and misogynistic.  But their worst offenses in my opinion have been their attempts to dismiss the concept of gender identity as the product of a patriarchal society.

There are a sickening number of people in the world who dismiss the concept that gender is not a fixed thing, but a concept that can be changed.  The most disappointing of those are the radical feminists who claim that it is their peroative to change the current gender norms, but if anyone else does the same, resorts to using words like "rapey prick" to describe people who are just living their life, not harming anyone else, making their own decisions about how we should live our lives.  The fact is that you cannot both truly believe that traditional gender stereotypes are incorrect, and that anyone who does not fit into the binary is somehow less then human.  These ideas are a contidiction, and people cannot possably belive that both are true do not have any idea what gender actually is.  Radicalism is the enemy of every cause under the sun because at the end of the day, we're all human-but to a radical, that is simply not true.

On Passing

I thought I would post about something a bit...lighter.  I know this is super long, but hey, it's a pretty extensive topic.

Passing becomes an elusive master to many transgender people.  When I first decided to transition, I promised myself that if I could not pass for female, I would not even bother to transition.  This was incredibly short-sighted of me, both because passing can be overrated and because I can pass with relitive ease, I have been very lucky both for my mace and the voice training learned in the theatre.  Passing becomes the first goal for a lot of younger transgender people-before we consider surgery, sometimes before we even take hormones, we try to pass.  Transgender women often have an easier time then trans men initially, though the tables turn pretty quickly as testosterone takes effect.    Among people who transition at an older age, things become much more complicated, and the truth is that some people will never be able to escape their genetics.  This list is by no means exclusive, but all of these things are worth being aware of.  Also, while I fully support trans-masuline people, I would be more qualified to perform minor surgery (top surgery anyone?) then to offer any advice to them.

1.  Passing is not Everything

Transgender people often view passing as the holy grail of transness.  There are entire archives of meticulous instructions out there-Susan's Place is a hub among MtF transsexuals, and has several books worth of advice.  Most of it, you should ignore.  Thanks to them, I was under the impression for a long, long time that as per the rules, I had to have electrolysis done before I could even present as female.  Period.  No matter what.  That I needed to take voice lessons (more on that later)!  The fact is, passing is not the world-and in my opinion, there are better goals to peruse.  I have met stealth T-girls who look perfectly passable, but then, they also looked like librarians.  I have also met people who I could clearly tell were trans*, yet were absolutely stunning; if you don't believe me, look up the name Andrej Pejek-clearly androgynous looking rather then just female, but beautiful.  Once I started trying to make my face look good, rather then female, passing came naturally.  And please, I don't want to hear about beauty culture on my blog, I am an artist, and I love beauty in all of it's forms, and if you can see something great in a mirror, that empowers you, not the white men I am so often told are responsible.  Or, if you're like me, you can just decide that you'd rather just be you then any specific idea of gender.  Its your call, just be aware.

2.  You're wearing that?

If you are a transgender woman, and you are finding yourself unable to pass, you might want to take a good look at your wardrobe.  Older trans* people, especially MtF transsexuals often have a hard time dressing in a way that works for them, and I understand why-these are people who have spent their entire life with a single picture in their head, a floral print dress, and they have wanted that dress for thirty years, and now, they finally can buy it.  The problem is that nobody wears floral print dresses anymore.  These people tend to dress like what thy think a woman would wear, rather then actually  what most women do put on every morning.  A great exercise is to go out and just look at what people are wearing (I still do it all the time in new york city, but more for fashion reasons).  If you're living on the same planet as I am, you'll see that most women wear slim skirts, blue jenes, tank tops, jackets and flats.  The world has changed, and the classic images of female and male no longer exist in the same stark contrast they used to.

It's very ironic that I can pass one hundred percent of the time if I wear masculine clothing, i.e. pants, button down shirts, with very light makeup, but if I were to wear a classic dress and red lipstick, I would out myself in seconds.  If passing is really your priority, try something more subtle.  Many older trans women try way to hard to be female, and in the end just end up looking silly.  But a fashion forward, sensible girl who knows what clothes work for her body type, and never shows chest?  Passes like a dream.  The point I'm trying to make is that feminine is not the same thing as female, and if someone wants to pass, they should just look and see what women are actually wearing, and then find something that works for them.

3. Styling

When it comes to makeup, there are two mistakes that trans* women tend to make-first, there are the careless ones.  Without experience or any idea what to do (youtube is great for learning this sort of thing) powder their faces, smear on black eyeliner, and then cover their faces in white powder before smearing red lipstick all over their face.  The fact is that even if you do pass while wearing this sort of makeup, people will think you are losing it.  My advice is this-learn how to do something that works for you before going out in makeup.  Look at videos online, and if you have the money, go to a store like sephora (it's almost all gay men working there, don't worry, they were absolutely wonderful to me) and figure out what makeup you are going to wear.  Light foundation is good to have, along with a subtle blush that will allow you to take advantage of your best features while making others seem less prominent.  I might do a post on contouring later, but in a nutshell, you use two shades of foundation, one lighter and one darker.  The lighter shade makes a feature look larger, and a darker one makes it seem smaller (if you apply the darker to the sides of your nose for instance, it will look shorter).  Just watch and learn.

The other school of error is one that I fell into for a time, in part due to the fact that even before I was Lisa, I would do makeup for drag queens.  A drag queen is not a woman, she is a caricature of a woman, like a bobble head or Liberace.  If you wear the thick, strong and heavily contoured makeup of a drag queen, you will look like a drag queen even if you are totally passable.  Look up Wendy Ho.  I was certain that she was the best drag queen I had ever seen until I realized that she was actually a cis woman in heavy makeup and ten inch heels.  More is rarely better if passing is your goal.  On a side note, wearing a wig can often do more harm then good, and making short hair work can really help you until you grow it out.  Of course, if you are like me and your hair is so thick that a relaxer won't even hold for more than a few weeks, short might be the only way to go.

4.  Listen to Lilly Allen

This has nothing to do with passing, but everybody should listen to Lilly Allen.  She's great!

5.  The Voice

Apart from clothing, this is the most crucial element-the fact is that if you are hell bent on passing, your voice could be the first thing to fail.  No matter what your face looks like, a male voice will out you in seconds. If you are anything like me, you will need find a way to overcome what puberty took from you.  There are speech programs out there, and surgeries, but the fact is that with a little effort, you can get your voice to where you want it in a matter of months.  The first thing to be aware of is that we are not trying to actually use a different voice-no falsetto, no lispy silky soft attempts, and no hard edged nasal whining.  My voice is perfectly passable, and I found it in two stages.  The first thing I did was learn to talk like Kurt Hummel from the show Glee-I know, but I was fifteen, can you blame me?  You must be saying to yourself "but he is a HE"!  Yes, this is male voice, but it will get your range you need.  Try and rase the pitch of your voice, first by one third, then by another, until you have reached a point where you are able to enter the female registry without sounding whispery or nasal.  The voice you are trying to find is sweet and affectionate, it lies right in between your breathy chest voice and your nasal whine.  Try speaking sweetly-you want it to sound effortless and natural.  If you have been going at it for a few months, you should be able to make it feel pretty comfortable.

Step two involves going down again.  I know what you're thinking-female voices are high, you want a high voice.  I have found that it is far easier to make a passable voice on the lower end of what is accepted as female.  Most speech therapists will try and insist you go as high as you possibly can, and find where your voice catches, but I have found that this produces a voice that is a monotone, as it eliminates all of your range.  It's the same reason why I am able to sing a male part while passing for female, but not a female part-a real female voice as a lot of range,  and that range will make or break you.  What you want to do is find the highest starting pitch that will allow you to early reach up another third when speaking.  The fact is, this works.  It's simple, easy, and it works.  Not only do I pass over the phone-I am able to sing as a convincing female, if a deep voiced one.  Embrace the fact that your voice is going to be a lower one, and you will sound like a woman who is speaking in a low voice, not a man speaking in a high one.

PS-you will lose your voice quite easily (i.e. don't yell), though it will always recover if you rest it for a day or so.

6.  Relax

Don't TRY be female...just be yourself, try to keep these things in mind, and eventually they will just become second nature-and that is exactly what you want.  I may have let go of passing (though I do still pass) in the name of a more fluid identity, but if it is really important, work at it and don't sweat.  The last thing you want is to need to put effort into all of this.

On The Trans* Community

The transgender community saved my life.  I'm sure that most trans people would say the same-isolation, confusion, desperation, despair-these become the pillars of your life when you finally realize what you are, but find yourself powerless to do anything about it.  It is one of the cruelest ironies I have ever known: The day I finally realized that I wanted to transition was the day I felt the deep, yearning desire to actually do it.  It seems that ignorance is bliss, but the only way to mend the wound from that first, piercing shard of truth is an ocean of knowledge, a repertory of experience that can fill in the gaping hole of doubt.

When I first began looking for myself, I ironically gravitated towards the genderqueer label, not because I thought wanted to be nether male nor female, but because at that point in time, the only concept in my mind was what I wanted to be like, and not who I actually was.  I found gendertrender.org, and took to it right away (please note that I am referring to an online organization dedicated to providing a safe space for non-binary individuals, and not the radical feminist cesspit of bigotry, which can kindly @%$@ itself with it's own gloved finger).  The people I reached out to there really seemed to care that I found out who I was-they pointed me toward a few resources for trans* people as well as a number of blogs run by non binary individuals.   Meanwhile, back on earth, things seemed a bit better-not because they actually were, but because I had found the headspace I needed to sort out my own life.  It wouldn't be a year until I even considered coming out because of the hostility that was receiving at school for being "gay"-ironically enough, at this point in my life, I have self- identified as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender all within a two year period.

Digital technology is truly an amazing human achievement-it allows a disabled boy to become an action hero, an elderly widow to realize that she will never truly be alone in the world, and for a then-meek teenage slip of a girly boy ( yes, I DID just watch hedwig) to be herself.  I would occasionally converse online as female, and it gave me a chance to feel relief.  A year later, I finally worked up the courage to go to an LGBT youth summit, where I met some of my dearest friends today, and more importantly became absolutely sure what I was going to do about these feelings (namely, act) and act I did.  Things moved quickly from there.  I changed from the petrified kid sitting in the corner of the trans seminar at a youth convention to somebody who knew she (she being the operative word) was right.  I embraced the transgender community, closely followed every new development on Wipe Out Transphobia and becoming utterly obsessed with tumblr.  In college, I even began to help run the transgender advocacy group-and it was around the time that I decided to cast away my labels.  The moment I did that, everything came into sharp contrast, and I bitterly had to accept the fact that the entire community was flawed.

I am a rationalist.  I am liberal, but I am violently opposed to extremism, of any sort.  I believe what is rational, what I know to be right.  When I decided that I would be my own person, all of the little things that the transgender community was doing which were flawed.  The most innocuous blog posts were treated with utter hostility if they did not contain trigger warnings.  As much as a simple mistake on the part of a news organization regarding pronouns became a capital crime.  Any joke involving cross dressing was called "hate speech"-while I DID harbor a deep hatred for ABCs Work It, it was because it was terrible and not because it offended me.  Every time I called myself Queer, I would start a flame war.  And once, when I commented on a posting of a tragic murder, saying "she was beautiful, it is utterly terrible that her life was cut short the way it was" I received a ten hour lecture from what seemed like every trans person on Facebook about "beauty culture" and how the only reason I think she was beautiful and cared is because privileged men told me to.  When I said that I was an artist, that I loved beauty is all its forms, I was told that I was frivolous and that I had no right to comment on such issues.

The fact is, the only reason why I have any right to have a rational discussion is because I am an artist.  I made up my own mind, I came to these conclusions myself.  I realized that I did not need to live in perpetual fear of rape, and that it was the product of a male culture; feminists fail to realize that anyone who is not a body builder feels uncomfortable outside late at night, and that me telling people to put a shirt on is not an issue of oppression, but because I happen to think that anyone, male or female going topless is just a bit tasteless.  I found that while many of the inequalities pointed out to me existed, many more did not.  Ace Ventura never conditioned me to hate transgender people, no more than Jon Stewart's self deprecating jokes taught me to hate jewish people.  The fact is, if the transgender community is going to achieve their goal of equality for all, they need to stop attacking Richard Branson for wearing red a dress and start focus on issues like health care access and the accept the fact that HRC is not deliberately hateful, simply incompetent.  Gender is not just a societal prison, or a construct-to me, it is a playground, and in the long run should not really be such a big deal.  The Burj Kalifa is not a giant phalus to me, it is something incredibly beautiful and inspiring.  And gay jokes can be really, really funny if they're told the right way.

The truth is that I love the transgender community.  It means well, it does all it can to help its members, and sometimes can make a real difference when it lets go of things that are not all that important.  There is nothing I want more then the trans* community to prosper as a powerhouse for what is right, but also as a voice of reason.  The sooner that transgender people can realize that they are living proof of the fact that gender really does not mean as much as we think, and that it can be whatever we make of it, the better the world will be.  And the sooner they believe it, the sooner the rest of the world can as well.    The sooner they can just let go, the better.

-Lisa K

Please let me reiterate that I totally support the ideals of trans equality, but also what is reasonable, like allowing a few jokes every once in a while.

First Post

I've never really kept a blog before, but I've always wanted to, and there's no time like the present.

Let's start with myself:  My name is Lisa, and I'm Trans*.  I use the astrix because even after one and a half years presenting as female full time I can't say for sure what I am, only that it's really great and everyone should try it (kidding, but seriously, being comfortable is far more important then passing in my mind, and EVERYONE, male or female or other, has not lived until they've worn a fitted white three piece suit at least once.)

When I first figured out that I wanted to transition, I found myself faced with a conundrum-I have always seen myself as female, and as a male I was incredibly feminine, but as a female?  Not feminine at all.  I still like pants, printed shirts, and suits, and fitted leather jackets.  I cut my hair short, and I blush every time someone tells me that I look androgynous.  In one sense, I'm not "transgender", I simply do what I like and people happen to see me as a female born male.  I did however go through the years of burning desire to transition, and so in that respect, I am quite typical among transgender people.  At this point, I go by Lisa and "she" around everyone I know, and pass most all the time.  I'm beginning to adopt Genderqueer as a label for myself, but I try not to cling to it.  Labels have always defined who we see ourselves as, but they do more harm than good.  Once I stopped changing labels and just changing clothes, everything fell into place.  Janelle Monae has become my personal icon.

 

                                                                                                      

I am aspiring to be a professional costume designer for theatre and film (and for a college freshman I'm making some great progress).  I've come to realize that a career centered trans* person is a rare thing in todays world.  Theatre is a very open collective of people, and if you are a transgender professional, it is one of the best places to be.  So far, I have only done small community and summer stock shows, but things change.  Design suits me.  It combines the fulfillment of being an artist and the sheer fun of being a fashion designer with the rigor and depth encountered by a historian (and, if you play your cards right, a handsome paycheck).

I'll be posting regularly with my thoughts, feelings, and advice.  Feel free to comment on anything, and I'll get back as soon as I can; I'm open to most any questions and a reader wants some on-topic advice, I can give it.  Between my time working in a drag bar, my design experience, and my own gender situation, I know every passing trick in the book.  If you like esoteric and mildly sarcastic commentary on relevant issues written by a fashion forward MtFt? this is the place to be.

-Lisa K

PS-I know I sound a bit disorganized, but I'm just getting used to the blog format.  Most of what I am going to be writing is much tidier than this.